Cool Life & Hot Times

There is a sense of peace when you reach an end. It is fake but it lifts the load a bit, just enough to encourage you to physically move and look forward to moving on. But peace, in fact, will not come in a very long time. There will be good days and there will be bad days. That said, one should welcome little joys that come from momentous occasions. You will not be able to absorb those little joys fully, because they will most likely be erased by past happiness too well remembered (to quote something I had read). But they will happen.

When you're faced with the end, though, it will come as a relief, and you will, at least, feel grateful that you are now standing on something concrete. It is the end zone, the exit door. Nothing is more definite than that. So even though you are at the close, you are not in limbo anymore. 

I have said before that there is no greater feeling than loving fully, without worrying if it's too much or out of place. When you're at that state, enjoy it, soak in it. Give your friends a hard time and annoyingly boast about it. It would have given you a purpose, and that's when you would be most alive. The flipside is not too bad either. When all you feel like doing is keeping love for yourself because you have given too much away already, the feeling will be empowering. It's lonely but you will have been on the way to healing a fractured soul. You will be making yourself healthy. You will be ruthless in front of people, crying when alone, but you will be intact. You are preserving yourself. 

One of the most beautiful things I have been told is that I did try. I knew this beforehand but for someone else to see it and acknowledge it, that's some kindness that overwhelms. That although everything had been a misstep, and that right now, I have nothing left to give, somebody knows, other than me, that I tried to make it great. So while the gamble did not pay off, even if the sacrifice was huge, I had not hesitated. I went for it. Knowing I have given you all that I could is the kind of true peace I want to feel.

Do this for someone, and you will experience it, too. The kind that you may not feel at first because the pain, God forbid, will be debilitating, but slowly, it will creep in. 

Playlist for a rainy trip to Baguio or as the plane tiptoes around dark clouds en route to Hong Kong. Yes, ganun ka-specific :)

 

 

Gorillaz - On Melancholy Hill

The Whitest Boy Alive - Burning

No Doubt - Running

Madeon Community Remix

Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream

Masonic - End of Summer

Hale - Toll Gate

Childish Gambino - Be Alone

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Runaway

Gwen Stefani - 4 in the Morning

John Mayer - My Stupid Mouth

She and Him - You Really Got a Hold On Me

Slow Club - Only If You're Certain

 

They needed the bed, and they assured me I will get better at home. Eh kaya nga ako nagpunta sa ospital kasi hindi kaya...;p

For the Bacolod-weekend-vacation, I packed 2 extra sets of outfits I wasn't able to use. Again. Each trip I take, the things I need or think I need to prepare for worst-case scenarios add a lot of weight and volume to my bag, only to be tucked further inside like they were too embarassing to show.

A lot of preparation goes into whatever I do. Always at least 2 steps ahead, I try to map out what happens if I do letter A over B, and vice versa. Pros and cons, amount of time saved, how much money is required, what's there to look forward to, what are the stuff to avoid, escape routes, and how to make that daydream come true. For the Bacolod trip, I treated our itinerary more like a suggestion, let go, and made room for some 'me' time, even if it was just 10 minutes on the bed at 3AM, awake but not watching TV, while the girls have drifted off. 

The best parts of the vacation are the moments we were in transit. Ironically those times when a lightweight bag would be most helpful. While we did see a lot of places (Silay, Bacolod City, Ilo-Ilo City, Guimaras), those hours spent on the plane, on the ports, on the ferries and boats, on that epic 2-hour round-trip tricycle ride, were very relaxing and calming. I saw placid waves, shady trees, wild vines that didn't bother anyone, clean, asphalt roads, people quietly going about around the city or lazily lounging by the highway waiting for tourists to stop for suman and mangoes. It wasn't the first time I saw such scenes but I think I appreciated them more this time. The timing was perfect: I needed a pick-me-up that didn't have alcohol or nicotine and I needed a chance to think clearly and reminisce about good times without the drowning feeling of longingness. With great weather, fresh air, and no pressure to have fun (the kind that requires an exclamation point), the Bacolod vacation delivered what it projected to promise. Like the ticket that brought us there, I was free. Free from expecting anything good or anything bad, just spending the hours one port at a time.

 

Pananatili (Bukas Palad)

Huwag mong naising lisanin kita;
Wala ‘kong hangaring ika’y mag-isa.
Sa’n man magtungo, ako’y sasabay,
Magkabalikat sa paglalakbay.

Mananahan sa tahanang sisilong sa ‘yo,
Yayakapin ang landasin at bayan mo.

Poon mo ay aking ipagbubunyi
At iibigin nang buong sarili.
Sa’n man abutin ng paghahanap,
Ikaw at ako’y magkasamang ganap.

Ipahintulot nawa ng Panginoon:
Ni kamataya’y maglalaho, anino ng kahapon.

Dahil pag-ibig ang alay sa ‘yo, mananatili ako.
H’wag nang naising tayo’y mawalay,
H’wag nang isiping
Magwawakas ang paglalakbay.

I know I gave to you months ago

I know you're trying to forget

but between the drinks and subtle things

the holes in my apologies

you know I'm trying hard to take it back

so if by the time the bar closes

and you feel like falling down

I'll carry you home.

 

Tonight, we are young

so let's set the world on fire

we can burn brighter 

than the sun-- 

It feels like September, or October, in the middle of typhoon season, when each day, you exert effort to look forward to something. That time when the rain does nothing except dampen the spirit and stall movement. That feeling of almost-completion, because the year's about to end.

But it's February. And it's only been a few days after a sunny Valentine's Day. The mood all around has shifted dramatically, as though summer had already come and gone, and we're forced to go to work and merely look back on the crazy adventures we've had, through photos yet to be uploaded. The romance of the love month, whether real or pretense, is nowhere to be found. Maybe because it's also Monday today?

In an attempt to feel upbeat, I ate a hearty breakfast, complete with brewed coffee, but that only made me feel lazier. I'm supposed to feel good and positive, and race at full speed. Instead, I am 'steady' here and numb. It's this stupid rain, I keep saying. Such a buzzkill. In truth, though, I know there's something else. Some vitamins I have been enjoying but have been taken away. Like I've snatched too much good vibes, they felt they had to escape my greed. Then again, maybe it's simply because it's been raining.

 

Friend: I think he just wants a hug from his girlfriend every once in a while.

The girlfriend: It's always.

Friend: Then do it always.

The girlfriend: I always imagine wrapping him in a hug. Throughout the day, I regularly pause and imagine that.

Friend: Smile emoticon. Do it more often when you're together.

The girlfriend: The stick shift gets in the way.

 

 

 

I'm like a car engine on warm up. I have all my owner's stuff thrown in the backseat but don't really know where I'm going. Except that after I've backed out of the driveway, I'm very sure the direction is forward. 

It's January 11; we're almost halfway done with the first month. It's a landmark year, as all new years should be, but this year is a transition year for me. I'm happy to be here, excited, anxious and nerbyus, as some titas would say. The tips and pointers for this year have been varied, but the theme has been "Go for it," so far:

1. Look up.

2. Don't turn back, don't hold back.

3. Konting tapang.

4. There's no harm in trying.

5. Have hope.

I'm ready to go and have a blast. I'm not dreaming or pining for anything anymore. Instead, I'm taking what is mine or what should be mine. Very thankful that this chance came by at this time, when I am 29 and at the right state of mind to enjoy it and make the most of it. The only challenge I face is when I turn psycho on my ass, so I pray, universe, help me use the courage I have. I need to be brave and to be ruthless. I shouldn't be scared of new things because they'll be enriching to say the least. I shouldn't be scared of people; they should be scared of me. I haven't been proud for a long time, and pride is such a powerful motivation, so I better start using that. In my head, I'm still timid and unsure but it's not necessary at all to project that, too. 

A little grit will help me go far. Plus I'm surrounded with the right kind of friends. The first thing I need to do is start running. Wish me luck :)

I tweet a lot, and because my tweets are synced with Facebook, I also Facebook a lot. I've realized I think in 140 characters now and edit my thoughts before I even finish them -- in my mind. It's not good, I think.

Not good, especially if I am harboring issues. Without giving details, I'm frustrated that I'm going through the same mess I got myself into the same time this year. If I were a year-on-year revenue report, I'd pass as "stable". Last year, I tweeted so much snark and bitterness that I didn't take offense when a few people stopped following me or unfriended me. Blocking FB posts wasn't developed then, so my "feelings" got heard by unwilling friends somehow.

Anyway, the thing is, with this new thing, I'm really being careful. The era of me grabbing every opportunity to be happy even if it meant being bad ("imoral!" the more judgmental people would say) is done. I'm trying to look years ahead now, trying to be smart and practical and prudent. 

And then, and then, before I could even put my prudence to use, someone has already made sure I won't even be in that position, which is just so infuriating! I can handle myself, and I'll be good! But let me make my own decision and let me play my cards "right". In  less than 140 characters, I say, "Trust me, I know my place. Know yours."

 

• Best Coast - When I'm With You
• Dan Black - U+Me=
• Miike Snow - Animal (Mark Ronson remix)
• Elvis Presley - Heartbreak Hotel
• Nina Simone - Feelin Good
• Childish Gambino - Bonfire
• Lana del Ray - Diet Mtn Dew
• Zooey Deschanel - New Girl Theme Song

• Harry Nilsson - Put the Lime in the Coconut
• Best Coast - Our Deal
• The Black Keys - Tighten Up
• Gold Motel - Leave You in Love
• Jamie XX - Rolling in the Deep Remix feat. Childish Gambino
• Jace Everett - Bad Things
• Slow Club - It Doesnt Have to be Beautiful
• Noah and the Whale - L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N.
• The Outfield - Your Love
• Kid Cudi - Maui Wowie

*If I had a casette recorder, I can play an actual mixtape in my car. That's how nice my ride is. Old school swag.

• I've asked Dre to see me more often, 'coz all I think about now is Donald Glover.
• 2 more weeks to the Hong Kong Summer trip with my high school bestie. She's one of the best people to be in a vacation with. Dunno why it took us 11 years to do this...I'm so excited but kinda stressed about what clothes to bring. They say Hong Kong gets crazy rains and even crazier humidity in August.
• Then the Boracay trip with my girls a week after! Been awhile. Last time we were complete at the beach waaas... '06? I dont even remember.
• Im loving that the writer team is getting cozy. We've been working at this relationship for quite a while now, and it feels great that we're finally in synch. Wink-wink to the writers :D
• Donald Glover.
• Community.
• I need a new TV show to get obsessed about, and it doesn't help that my good friend @i_gtg is indulging me. This madness has to stop.
  

Three months since my last post (thanks to the super slow posterous), I bounce back with songs that bring the kind of  happiness comparable to weed:

1) Architecture in Helsinki - Do the Whirlwind

2) Noah and the Whale - L.I.F.E. G.O.E.S. O.N. (see also their performance on Dave Letterman)

 

 

The favorite city proved difficult to get over from -- still. It takes a while to snap out of the daydream. 

The whole trip was a blur actuallly; I don't remember a lot of it. Save for very few flash episodes of the things we did and saw that remain vivid when I recall them. I want to go back very soon (this spring maybe), even if I'm poorer by at least HKD3,000, thanks to the Westwood bag. It's still all worth it, I convince myself, but honestly, at this point, ebay is looking more and more promising. But that stupid bag represents a moment I will not swap for anything. So let's see if the bag stays...

Traveling for me is very romantic, and maybe it's the one and only romantic stuff I allow myself to get engulfed in. When I go to HK, this love is amplified that sometimes I hyperventilate just mulling the trip over. And as affairs go, it's such a pleasure to relive the memories again and again.

For the trip last Valentine's week, I spent it with 2 friends I adore the most. Bitin, of course, but you can imagine, I was at my happiest during those 5 days. It didn't always show when we were there because I struggled with the weather. I hated the weather. It was too damn cold, and I think it's this cold weather that made me not truly savor my time there as well as made me forget some stuff that happened there.

If only there's a way to share with you how overjoyed I am after that vacation. Alternatively, I am sending you all the good vibes I can muster and wish you the same kind of romance.

"Writing is the art of structuring the existential world, of trying to slow it down, sharpen its focus, and take the edge off uncertainty.   In many ways, then, writing is a task for the neurotic and moronic; the writer is a coward, a coward in the face of reality — and consequently he flees into the stable, plastic world of words."

 I agree and don't agree. Yesterday, I was reading a post from the same website, thoughtcatalog.com, warning that girls who read are dangerous. That's true and I have learned from experience. Read the post somewhere on the site and you might just realize it's talking about you. 

But I digress. I agree that writers are cowards. Whatever is in front of us, we shape and mold and nip and cut until everything is streamlined, conveying only one clear thought, spiced up, sometimes, to amplify this one idea. We cannot accept that reality can be that plain and boring, uncinematic. Look at the cutting room floor and you'll see you've deconstructed and constructed anew, only to come up with a plotline that's just a fragmental representation of what really happened. But it now sounds more exciting! Then again, I say I don't agree because if we are to accept our reality at face value, and just face it as it is, with no backstory, no implication, no basis (because these are the things the writer digs for to shape that one thought), then the reality floats in space. It is not grounded on anything. It just whizzes by, becoming meaningless.

Im not sure what I feel today but Im hearing a nice lineup:

• The Limousines - Very Busy People
• The Apples in stereo - Dance Floor
• The Ting Tings - Traffic Light
• Tegan & Sara - Alligator (Toro Y Moi mix)
• Chromeo feat. La Roux - Hot Mess
• Gorillaz feat. Little Dragon - Empire Ants
• Andrew Bird - Fiery Crash
• The RZA and Charles Bernstein - "Crane/White Lighting" (Kill Bill Vol.1 OST)
• No Doubt - Bathwater
• The Feeling - Helicopter
• Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps

*Shuffle*Repeat til 5pm

 

 

I suggest a few Travel Resolutions for the new year -- because we deserve to spend our money unwisely on adventures again.

 

1. Save for the bigger trips... Boracay is not going anywhere. 

- I always go to Boracay and Baguio, and even Tagaytay because they're all so accessible. I've decided to stay put and spend my money on bigger and farther trips, like HK, London, or LA perhaps?

2. Train friends how to take a great photo of you.

- I take great pictures but have a lousy collection of photos that include me. And my friends love to tag me, thanks very much. So from now on, I vow to also take time to give them a few pointers, so that I don't get fidgety every time someone uploads a photo I am in. I know, I know, this is purely for Facebook's sake.

3. Free the schedule for the big-ticket items. 

- The opera will start without you. And afternoon tea in June at Mandarin Oriental Bangkok waits for no one. It ends at 6 PM sharp. Even if you call ahead. (yeah, you can tell I'm still bitter)

4. Be flexible.

- While an itinerary is of utmost importance, being faithful to it brings equal fulfillment as ditching it. Great finds come by chance, so leave room for spontaneity.

5. Focus on quality not quantity.

- See no. 1. Also, collect feelings and moments, not necessarily experiences. Don't keep scores ("I bungee-jumped, I parasailed, trekked off-road, saw the volcano, etc etc.") I enjoy my vacations the most during coffee and ciggy breaks, and during breakfast when the people I am with collectively breathe in and breathe out slowly -- not yet ready to make jokes -- just taking in the gravity and wonder of the trip they're taking.

 

 

It's been the best and worst year. Hence, it's been the greatest ever... Thanks everyone for 2010!

The Limousines - We Are Very Busy People

"There's crusty socks
and stacks of pizza boxes
making trails straight to the bed.
And when we're done sleeping
we'll stay busy dreaming of the things
we do not have yet.
Well there's a long, long list of chores
and shit to do before we play,
oh let's just piss away the day.
Crank call the cops down at the station,
just for friendly conversation,
requesting songs they never play;
Let's hear the one that goes like..."

My only consolation is my friends are moving with me, though there are so few of us now and fewer certainly by next year. There are so many things we have to get done before, during, and after the move (what with 2 big teams merging) that we don't get the comforting opportunity to soak in nostalgia.

Now that the office floor's empty, I miss everyone who was ever here. Even when it seemed like the company was crumbling and that it was done for good, our time together here in Gloria Bldg, Aguirre Street, Legazpi Village, Makati was the best of times, and it continued to be so until we started preps for the move. The ambience of Aguirre helped foster this happy environment, to the point that most of us stuck around this long just to bask in this setting. We were literally sheltered from the harshness of Makati central, close to all its posh conveniences but far enough from the highways. In fact, when we need to run errands somewhere on Ayala Avenue, we call it "going to the big city" with the pretend-enchantment of someone going to cosmopolitan New York, Tokyo, or Hong Kong. 

We also sheltered each other from all kinds of shit and we're quite unsure how to do that now. I've kept positive all this time, ever since the idea of the merge and the move to the other office floated around, not really minding the change. I intend to remain so even in the new office, which will be tough. I know, coz I'm not foolish. 

As I stretch my arms and legs for one, final, no-holds-barred, really wa-poise yawn, I savor the roominess of my pod, of my beloved original office and bid it bye-bye. Come Monday, it's sink or swim. Here goes.... 

Great soundtrack as I carefully stretch my face here and there to prevent wrinkles. No worries, I assure myself, a 28-year-old version of me can't be that bad...

(Gisele and Tom Brady, Sasha Pivovarova, Natasha Poly, the Dolce boy, and Frida Gustavsson -- grabbed from JAKANDJIL)

Prepared by her momma, who used the container more correctly than Warren

.

 

Excited mag-Halloween...

She didn't say 'with love' specifically but Im shhhuure... hehe

Postcards from Djong, who's currently traipsing somewhere in Spain right now. Or sleeping in her Spain Campeones del Mundo T-shirt;p

From the new album, Plastic Beach.

Happy long weekend!

From this photo, you wouldn't think it was a crazy holiday. 15 people, at least 5 boat rides, 3 rims of cigarettes, and who knows how many bottles of beer drank on land and at sea. A quiet moment like this was elusive and I had to capture it swiftly, while everyone was getting on the 7 AM boat to return to Naga City. There was no take 2. 

The Caramoan Islands, as word of mouth promised, are pristine but, as all pristine destinations go, not very accessible. From Sabang Port in Naga City at the crack of dawn, boatmen had to carry us on their shoulders to board the small ferry that will take us to Caramoan in 2 hours. It would not be a comfortable ride if you didn't pee right before riding, but there was a makeshift CR with the entire ocean as your toilet. I was fortunate to have found a 'window seat', so that I could see all the mountains and the waters that we pass without the distracting silhouette of a seatmate. It was to be the last boat ride under a magnificent sun. Once we started island-hopping, sun and rain overlapped too many times that sunglasses acted as goggles and every tote and sarong we brought came home to Manila damp and sandy. We were fearless when taking pictures, though. Not one had a water-resistant camera. For the sake of good photos to prove we did go to Caramoan and were able to glimpse where Survivor USA filmed, bahala na si Batman.

My favorite islands were Laos, the first one we visited, and the sandbar. Laos has 2 boulder rocks anchored on each side, with powdery golden sand between them. This patch of sand separates 2 coves, so that when you stand at the center, you have a beach on your right and another on the left. The setting is perfect if you're quarreling with a friend. You can take one side as base and enjoy the water, without having to endure the sight of him. The sandbar already had huts, where we had lunch and beer. The tide swept under our butts as we laughed endlessly over the same jokes from the night before and that we would repeat back at the hotel. 

I kept longing for a few more moments of peace at Caramoan, but the weather did not permit and there were 14 friends to mind. Before vacation was over, I did have a quiet moment to myself -- at CWC, hanging on to the wakeboarding handle as much as my frail wrists can muster just so I could complete the kneeboarding course. I did it perfectly, excuse me... twice over. It was exhilarating but peaceful, a moment all my own. I close my eyes and reminisce sweetly. Now if only the memory could ease my sprained wrist. Oh, the sacrifices we make...

 

Available this year for the Mid-Autumn Festival, Starbucks is offering their limited edition mooncake sets. I hope they come up with a devil's chocolate cake like this also. 

Ari's left alone by Mrs. Ari Gold, with only his Blackberry to comfort him.

E's being forced to sign a pre-nup.

Vince, aside from possibly getting arrested, probably smells really bad by now.

Drama finally gets a show but as a monkey.

Turtle's so clueless it's annoying he even got a break from Mark Cuban. 

And it will be a long 10 to 12 months before we find out what happens eventually. 

I hate finales.